“Traditional Halloween decorations like fake blood are loaded with chemicals that do untold damage to your lawn, and they come in plastic tubes that could wind up in the ocean and hurt an innocent manta ray,” All Hallows’ Eve enthusiast Ray William Parkson told us, shifting slightly in the chair he was shackled to, causing the officers around him to instinctively reach for their guns.
“And those rubber limbs?” he continued, “They don’t even look good! So using actual parts from the recently deceased is not only a great organic alternative, but it also makes your haunted house feel extra spooky!”
So if the only holiday you love more than Halloween is Earth Day, here are a few corpse-based decorating ideas:
- Sew four index fingers onto either side of a detached knee socket to make a creepy spider.
- Did you know that if you were to lay out all of the arteries, capillaries, and veins in one adult, end-to-end, they would stretch about 60,000 miles? That means you have more than enough bloody cobwebs to cover your trees and windows!
- Mount several heads on pikes along the perimeter of your property as a cool effect (and also a stern warning to Jehovah’s Witnesses who don’t respect October 31st as the only appropriate time to knock on your front door).
Best of all, getting corpses is easy! You can almost always find them at your local black market. But be warned: Like produce at any organic market, the items are often overpriced and not as fresh as you’d like. This is why we recommend attaining corpses yourself if you can (you’d be surprised how often you stumble across fresh victims while jogging if you just stay alert).
Not the biggest fan of exercise? Don’t sweat it (literally!). Just remember that every single person you see is just a corpse waiting to happen. We won’t ask if you don’t tell!
Happy Halloween, everyone! Send us any eco-friendly dead body tips we may have missed.